Get Off The Cross

          I have been thinking a lot about martyrs.  Not the ones left bloody in a battle somewhere or that we put on medals and Saint cards.  I am referring to the concept that has puzzled me for years about martyrs.  Why do mothers martyr themselves?

 

     One of my favorite sayings is, “Get off the cross, we need the wood.”  I use it a lot.  I use it mostly when talking to other mothers that are friends of mine.

 

     I think I’ll offer a little quiz:

 

- Do you tend to only talk about what you did FOR your kids?

 

- Does the term “sacrifice” come to mind when you think of motherhood?

 

 

-       When you count your personal achievements, does labor and delivery come up?

 

- Do you often feel depleted physically, emotionally, sexually or spiritually because you are a mother?

 

-  Do you view new mothers as ones “who haven’t been through” what you have?

 

- Do you enjoy getting told how “hard your job must be”?

 

- When you do something for yourself alone, do you feel guilty or that you will get “caught”?

 

- Do you feel like you are “laying your life down” for your kids?

 

-       Do you always tell yourself, “It will get better when __________________”?

-       Do you find excuses to justify the situation you mother in, whether it is to work outside the home for income, work from the home for income, or work in the home not for income?

 

-       Do you look down on others who have “help”, either from babysitters to house cleaners?

 

-       Do you ask your husband if he could “help” with the children or “baby-sit” the children?

 

-       Have you given up sleep or food for an older child’s activity or project?

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-       Have you chosen to forego medical care, personal care or spiritual care because the time/money is all devoted to your children?

 

(If the answer is “Yes” to any of the above, be careful. You may be on your way to beautification or, more likely, just unrecognizable by yourself or anyone that loves you.)

 

 

I have known many, many women, including myself, who have fallen into the martyr trap.  It is a trap, indeed.  It lures us into thinking that the more we deprive, malnourish and ignore ourselves, we are somehow better mothers.

 

I would like to propose that good mothering is unique to each woman.  What works for some doesn’t work for all.

 

Self-care does not equal selfish.

 

In fact, by women acknowledging and tending to their own needs it becomes a catalyst toward overall contentment as a mother.  Remember, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

 

“You can’t give from an empty bucket”

“Sleep when the baby sleeps”

“There is nothing more rewarding than being a mother”

“Motherhood is about sacrifice”

“A good mother never _________________”

“She must be a bad mother if she ______________”

 

All of these phrases just bother me.  Some are more obvious; some are just annoying.  Take “the bucket” statement.  It reminds me of when my teenage son says sarcastically to me, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

 

Of course you can’t give from an empty bucket. Who’s in charge of filling it up? Me? My family? God?

 

If I find an empty bucket, I am pretty sure I’m not going to continue to try and shake something out of it.  I need a full one.  Who says I wanted to give anything out of my bucket to begin with?  Can’t I keep what is in my bucket and use someone else’s?

 

Keep your bucket full ladies. To the brim.  Everybody hates it when you are empty. Trust me.  You hate it. Your husband hates it. And, dare I say it, your kids hate it.  You have to simultaneously fill it as you are using its contents. 

 

Have you ever seen a beautiful fountain somewhere?  In its entire splendor, if the water isn’t recirculated, it will just spill out.  It would just be a static statue with no use.  It is futile to build a fountain without plans for the spent water to return to the top somehow.  Adding water every so often is important, too.  A little gets lost in the transition from the top down and through evaporation.

 

Stay with me.

 

If you are the beautiful vessel of love that God created as a mother and all you do is spill out care, love and attention without receiving it, you are moving toward Stonesville.  Giving and receiving at the same rate is important to maintain function.

 

Replenish yourself with whatever feeds your soul.  It is usually something very little and simple that makes caring for others easier. Eat before you feed your children lunch. Use naptimes and sleepovers for an activity you enjoy. 

 

You’ll feel better for it. I promise.  No guilt. Just filled up.

 

No remorse. Just peace.

No shame. Just enlightened.

No cross. Just salvation.