Preparing For the Spontaneous

Planning. Preparing. Present.  These are the constant thoughts in my head these days.  I have learned that although it is a painful process, I am so much better off if I anticipate my future rather than be surprised by it.

 It is no surprise that the sun will rise in the morning or that the four children that I put to bed the night before need to get up and get to school in the morning.  It is also no surprise that they wear clothes that need to be cleaned.  Dishes that are used need to be washed before we use them again! No surprise there either. Children grow up. Babies need to eat.  Gas needs to be placed into a tank for a minivan to move. Christmas comes on December 25.  Again, quoting one of my sons, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.” 

     My regrets with regard to life mostly occur because of impulsivity, not from planning.  Inherent in the notion of preparing for something to happen is that you actually thought it would.  Impulsive bad decisions are the ones I wish I could have a “do over”.  If I neglect to plan for something I knew was going to happen, that is just plain my fault. No whining allowed.

     Even though I recognize the need for such forethought with most things in my life, it is still hard and difficult.  Immediate gratification does not occur when things are done in advance. However, the lasting effects of delayed gratification are so much more substantial.  Teaching this concept to children takes YEARS.  Teaching myself on a daily basis is painful.

     Spontaneity is fun; unless, the quality of the experience is compromised.  I love suddenly: deciding to take my kids for ice cream, finding a great old movie on TV and watching it, discovering a moment to dance brought on by a song out of nowhere, and receiving affection like a hug around the neck from behind that I didn’t know was coming. 

     What makes me crazy are the uncontrollable idiosyncrasies of life that interrupt my “plan”.  I planned on being a wife and mother early in life; I didn’t plan for how difficult it can be.  I planned on getting a good education; I didn’t plan on not using my chosen field.  I planned on being happy and content; I didn’t plan on those times when it seems impossible.

     God’s plan for me seems insane sometimes.  How could he possibly know every nuance of my impulsive will and my disobedience to preparation? Does he plan on me NOT planning and suffering consequences? Do the spontaneous events in my life just blow in with the wind?  All of these questions can be answered by a number of religions.  All that matters to me is that I know what the heck I am supposed to do, when to do it and how to handle it when it doesn’t happen. 

     Having control over my own destiny greatly comforts me.  Handling emergencies and curve balls thrown my way gives me confidence. What makes me nervous is when suddenly I don’t feel I have choices or someone else calls the shots: even God.  Trusting Him pains me at times.  I suppose that through this pain and ultimate faith through the unpredictability and consistency of life allow me to become someone who can depend on God.

     I depend on God providing me with the strength and where-with-all to deal with the things beyond my reach.  My human nature can’t do it all; I am ultimately only willing to submit to a bit of chaos if a little serenity happens every now and then, too.